Observations

Observation #1: I haven't blogged in so long I don't know how long it's been.

#2: It is possible for your back to swell when it's injured. Just ask RR.

#3: Mary Lane ER has the shortest wait times... probably in the country.

#4: If you need to drive 35 mph in a 50 zone, you probably shouldn't be driving

#5: Said ER offers a 10% discount if you pay at time of visit.

#6: There are some really dark stretches of road out here... just right for Steve Kind novels

#7: You can use Big Y turkey coupons at Stop and Shop.... this means like $4 for a 19 lb turkey

#8: I'm trying to decide what to make for ERP for his birthday, but we're celebrating together this year... so does that mean I need to cook on my birthday?

#9: Even with his haircut super short everyone still thinks ERP is a girl

#10: TT is the world's biggest cuddle bug

#11: Everyone in the ER thinks RR is really tall for his age... if only they knew how big his feet where as well

#12: Sometimes your armpits get sore when you're really over due to nurse a child



and to conclude.... RR is fine, "just" soft tissue damage to his back... from him falling off his bed and catching his back on the wooden rail while trying to get ERP to come see him

Tonight

Tonight was a fairly typical Wednesday night. One we haven't had too many of lately with all of the sickness going around.

And let me tell you. Typical - felt good.

As the boys get older, life gets busier. There are just so many things to do, to take care of. And often times we get lost in the shuffle and rush of it all.

But tonight was typical. It did seem to drag on... but that's because I realized too late that I never reset the clock in the living room from daylight savings this past weekend.... and some how lost an hour.

Tonight I took it all in.

I got home from work and ate a tuna sandwich while watching the little boys play on the deck and talked to Husband about his day. Within 15 minutes him and RR were off to scouts. the little boys and I ate some pickles and ERP insisted on a peanut-butter sandwich.

The little boys and I nursed; which these days is more of a play time for them. Gene joked about his "boob milk" tasting like peanut-butter. Then we flipped on YouTube and had a dance party. We danced to everything from Gummi Bears to Hot-Hot-Hot to Skeleton Bones. I danced with them (mama needs to get in more cardio) and twirled them around the living room, tripping over the dog who insisted on being the center of attention. I watched the curls on ERPs hair bounce as he danced. I watched TT try and find a groove or two.

After dance party I took ERP to bed, while TT had his nightly video game time. ERP and I did our nightly routine - he rocks on the chair while I make up the beds and tidy up, then he picks out his jammies and I help him get dressed. He brushes his teeth. Then we find the pacifiers, key-keys he calls them. He typically takes six to 11 to bed with him. Then I carry him so he can turn out the light and we rocked and nurse while I watch a show. Lately, it's been Cooked on Netflix. He tells me he's done by saying "daddy" and I lay him in his crib. Most nights he goes to bed on his own from there.

After I said good-night to ERP I went downstairs and gave TT a 5 minute warning. Once his time was up he decided we should play a game instead of reading, so we played a round of Cootie. It was during this ERP started yelling things I couldn't understand. Eventually TT nor I could take anymore crying and yelling from ERP, so we ended the game early - good thing because I was going to need to role five 6s in a row to finish my Cootie sometime this evening.

I checked the clock...and realized I had lost an hour. Fixed the clock and went to take care of ERP... who just needed more snuggles and nursing. I held him tight as we rocked, his head perfectly on my shoulder, his knees bent and resting on my lap. His sweetness melting into me.

Once I got him down I sent TT to get ready for bed. I tell him to do it "big boy style".... meaning go, use the bathroom, and get dressed on his own. I then went and helped him with his teeth. He, of course, tried stalling.... because that's what TT does at bed time. Tucked him while he was telling me his wasn't "sleepy I'm awake-y".

Then I closed his door and turned out his light... and came to write this post while waiting for RR and Husband to get home.

Oh and let's not forget about the telemarketer that called three times in a row, while ERP was crying and TT and I were playing games that I needed to bitch out. Because no night at home, a nice normal typical night, wouldn't be complete without someone calling me about something I don't want to talk about. Social security in this case.

18 Months!

A few days ago the baby, aka ERP, turned 18 months.

How did that happen?

Oh I know. I blinked.

Don't blink.

Ever.


I often forget that he is not a baby anymore, but rather a toddler.

This also leads me to forget that TT isn't a toddler anymore, but rather a preschooler.

And when did that happen?

And don't even get me started on the biggest boy, and his hairy upper lip and deep baritone singing voice.

Anyhow, I digress....

ERP is still a little squirt. I call him Bird. Husband calls him Mouse. He has his 18 month check-up next week and he may finally weigh 20 lbs. He is certainly going through a growth spurt these days.

He may look a lot like TT and have some of RR's mannerisms, but he is certainly not his brothers. He has broken the mold in every way possible. From his blue eyes and curly hair, to his temper and all of those teeth. He is one tooth shy of having all of his first set of molars, and then on to cutting his eye teeth.

And that temper I mentioned. Oh the temper. He pitches the biggest fits. He bites toys and furniture. He turns beat red. He throws things. He just gets so mad. It takes all of mine and Husband's strength not to laugh at his over the top pint size melt downs.

He is still nursing. Which is another post in itself. I recall being so happy with reaching this milestone with TT. These days nursing is the same as breathing. It just happens.

ERP has a total disgust for getting wet. And as we found out the other day, when we went to the park; he also hates sand. Really hates sand. As in "clean my hands every time it touches me" hates sand. He should be a ball of fun at the beach this summer.

So the water thing. He hates it. Unless it's the dogs dish, a small puddle or his water table. Water he has to get into. Forget it. When he has to be bathed, it's a two person job. One to hold him down and the other to wash him. He totally looses his shit. Seriously. And he tries to escape from the water like it was on fire. He will scale you like a cat climbing a tree to get away from a dog.

Actually he tries to climb me a lot. He is without a doubt a "worn child". He is also a mama's boy. He likes Husband enough, until I'm around. When I am around, everyone else if chop liver... assuming you don't like chop liver.

Food. Food is all over the place. Some days he's eats, and eats a variety of stuff. Other days he turns his nose up at everything.

He's all about doing what his brothers do. He loves hanging out with them. He likes RR to take him for walks in the stroller, and he loves playing play-doh and coloring with TT.

But he doesn't plenty his brother's never did. He climbs. Oh, he climbs. On everything. He likes to stand on chairs. He races from one side of the couch to the other. And it's not like we endorse these activities; they happen in a blink of an eye. He certainly keeps us on our toes.

And for everyone that ask - how's he's sleeping? He's not. We'll just leave it at that.

And now... the photos.

Dusty Around Here: Biopsy

Last night Husband remarked it had been a long time since I made a blog post.

And he's right.

I've wanted to write. But I haven't been able to. I've been dealing with some medical issues, that have been affecting everything. And in order to blog about the boys, the holidays, work and what not I would have been impossible to not write about what was going on. And honestly I have been tired. And sore. I've kept up a good front around the boys. We have not said anything to RR, but as my surgery comes closer we will. I've been making the rounds telling people. I waited a long while to tell most people as I had to tell my mom first and in person. I have a few more people to tell and talk to about everything, and a few of them may read this blog before I get a chance to call. But it's time. I've mentioned it casually enough to enough people. And honestly I need to write about it. I need to get back to blogging. It's good for the soul.

It all started a little after Easter. It was a Tuesday. The kids were on spring vacation from school and I was driving home. I was about to be on vacation myself - traveling to see family in NJ and a wedding in MD. I was driving on a back road, by a farm; the day was warm the windows in the van where down. I had reached up to scratch my throat and I felt a lump in my neck. I played with the lump on and off while driving and when I got in the door I was very concerned about it. I told Husband I thought my thyroid was swollen. With everything we had planned for the next few days we felt it would be best if I went to urgent care to have it looked at. Urgent care had taken on a "serious case requiring many sutures" and was not taking anymore patients that evening when I walked in. The next morning RR woke with a fever over 103, then shortly after that Uncle F ended up in the hospital and out travel plans quickly came to a halt, so I made an appointment to see the NP at my primary doctors office.

The NP sent me for blood work and an ultrasound.

My blood work, testing thyroid function came back normal.

When my ultrasound results came back, no one in my primary care office would speak to me about the results. They referred me to an endocrinologist. Originally my appointment was for some time in June, but then I got a call that I couldn't wait that long to been seen and was given a same day appointment. Everything was moving very fast and no one would tell me answers. I was scared. I feared the worst. I was crying. Crying a lot.

The first endo doctor I saw finally gave me my test results. I had a 5cm nodule on my left thyroid. A biopsy would need to be done to see if it was benign or not. The odds were in my favor that it would be benign, 95% of thyroid cysts are.

More ultrasounds followed and the biopsy. Which was terribly painful. During this time we learned that the cyst was multi-nodular, it was a big pocket with lots of small pockets in it. It was officially labeled as a hemorrhagic multinodulous cyst. During the biopsy a good deal of blood was removed from it, but it quickly filled with blood again.

Within a week of the biopsy I was scheduled to meet with surgeon. Regardless of how the biopsy came out, at least half of my thyroid would need to be removed.  It is pushing my esophagus to the right and causing restricted movement in my neck.

When we met with the surgeon he gave us the biopsy results - inconclusive.

Still no answers. Once that part of my thyroid is removed they will test further for cancer. If it comes back as cancerous then I will have to go and get the rest of my thyroid removed. And possibly do a "one and done" radioactive iodine treatment.  Which has no hair loss or other nasty side affects, but would be a permanent end to breastfeeding. This is something I simply cannot comprehend. And just the thought brings tears to my eyes. ERP is no where ready to wean. At nearly 18 months, he isn't even 20 lbs. He wakes multiple times a night to nurse. He's not ready. I'm not ready. But who knows if it will come to that.

We are still waiting.

This whole ordeal started as a big rush.

Now I wait.

Wait for a date for surgery. My surgeon wanted to do it in June. But he is fully booked and can't get me in until late July. But that isn't even the final answer. Next week he'll look to see if anything in his schedule can be moved to have me brought in sooner.

My surgeon says most of his patients go home the same day as the surgery. Some stay over night. One guy went to work the next day, although most do not. He seems very versed in this surgery, having done some 7,000 over his professional life. He has bright white hair and a very faint British accent. He has an excellent bedside manner. He promises me the surgery will hurt less than the biopsy - which left me unable to speak for days and pain if I thought about speaking for the better part of a week.

For now, some days are better than others. Some days I can hardly feel the enlarged thyroid. Other days the pain is so intense, like it's sitting on a nerve - which I've been told is totally possible.

And while I know there are bigger battles in life I could be facing, this one has certainly given me a good scare. Some days the fear is overwhelming. Other days I can't get enough of my kids and other days I just want to lay in bed and wish the pain away.

But I take it one day at a time. For the last few weeks I have been at the mercy of my doctors and their schedules. I welcome getting the date for surgery and for the ability to plan around something. I want to be able to confidently schedule things - at home and at work - and not have to worry about "what if the doctor" calls today.

But most of all I am eager for the results of the biopsy. To know one way or the other for certain. to know if this surgery is the end of this mess, or the middle point. With half a thyroid there is a 70% chance that the remaining half will function as normal. So the surgery really could be the end of this mess... or it could be the half way point...

Only time will tell. And so I wait. One biopsy done. One more to go.

A Year!

ERP is a year old. Actually one year and five days. But, who's counting?

We had his one year well child check today. And guess what? He is still a peanut. Getting more and more peanutty as he gets older. He is a whooping 18 lbs. and is 28.5 inches long - note this was said dripping in sarcasm. For ever inch TT is a giant, ERP is just the opposite. His weight is holding steady at the 3 to 5% but his height has gone from about 20% down to 5%. He's petite as his doctor put it. He is easily 4 inches shorter and 4 pounds lighter than his brothers were at this age.

What he's got that they didn't have - sixth teeth!!  And more coming in. He has four top ones just about in, the two bottom ones (he's had those for months) and some random ones further back making their way on through.

He is "this close" to walking. He's taking a couple steps between Husband and I. He cruises along furniture, but still loves to crawl. And he is FAST.

He is still nursing on demand - read all night long - and eating three meals a day and two snacks as well. He is fully eating table food and has what we are having (as long as the sodium isn't insane). The only food he doesn't like - eggs - scrambled or fried. But he will eat them boiled.

He says "mama" and "dada" and RR swears he says his name. He makes lots of other sounds as well, but I don't think they mean anything at this time.

He is still napping two times a day. Some days he still naps three times.

He is stacking blocks and putting things in and out of containers. He waves bye-bye and loves to clap and read books. In his jumper he rocks it back and forth, and gets some serious air time.

We celebrated his birthday on December 6th with a circus themed party. His brothers even had clown wigs to wear. Husband and brother-in-law did an awesome job with the streamers and I made a five layer rainbow cake.

And I didn't cry. OK, maybe once...

Oh yes... and the crazy hair. He has some serious crazy hair.

Things I don't want to forget from this last months
~ How the hair on the back of his head is so course - and he sleeps on his belly so that's not it
~ How the rest of his hair is super wispy and fine
~ The way he HATES and I mean HATES the shower
~ The way he arches his back and becomes stiff as a board while crying and turning red when he doesn't want to do something - like go to bed or get a diaper change
~ His smile and his giggle
~ The "stork bite" on the back of his neck - I am guessing it's a faint birthmark by now.
~ The way he will happily lay on me in the darkness for hours on end
~ How afraid of meeting St. Nick he was
~ The way he looks in he morning with his hair all a mess
~ How he loves his pacifiers and will crawl around with one in his mouth and one in each hand
~ The way he plays with TT and they are doing more actual playing these days
~ The way RR simply adores him and dotes on him
~ The face he made when he saw his light up book for his birthday
~ His baby smell
~ The softness of his skin and hair

Nursing Milestone

With RR I had set myself up for failure (i.e. not meeting a breastfeeding goal I set myself), with one boobie trap after another. So when TT came along I was educated and determined to meet the goals I set for myself. I made small goals, and then bigger and bigger goals. I celebrated them. Two weeks, one month, three months, six months, a year, eighteen months, two years.... I am still celebrating nursing milestones with TT.

I celebrate tandem nursing milestones. I've been tandem nursing for nearly a year. 

But some how I forgot to celebrate the nursing milestones of ERP and ERP alone.

The plans are well under way for ERP's first birthday. And that means, we are well on our way to hitting the one year milestone for nursing. One year. 

ERP's nursing experience has been nothing like my nursing experiences with his brothers. He has been full of unique and different challenges. Most lately we've been dealing with biting. We are working through this most recent (8 weeks worth) series of events. And it will not stop us... we will learn and push through. We will celebrate our one year nurse-anniversary in December. 

The Twilight Years

You cannot, in human experience, rush into the light.
You have to go through the twilight into the broadening day
before the noon comes and the full sun is upon the landscape.
Woodrow Wilson

The other day I read the most touching blog post; The Golden Age of Breastfeeding. At first when I read the title I thought I was going to read about the era in which we lived, and about how breastfeeding rights and rates were increasing and the like. Instead it was a moving piece about what it was like to nurse a 28 month old. I will admit, I cried when I read this. It was true, oh so very true. 

And it reminded me, it starkly reminded me; that TT and I were past the golden age, past the golden months, the golden years.

TT and I are in the Twilight Years, nearly 44 months of nursing; and the end is coming and we both know it is.

We've been through a lot - 

the early days where everything was uncertain and new

The days when he was young and it seemed like the
rules and habits where changing every day

The days in the middle where everything was right with
the world and our nursing relationship

The lean days of dry nursing while I was pregnant with his little brother

The early days after his little brother was born
and he was fat and happy with milk

The days we nursed in public

The days we nursed in private

The day he learned about sharing his time nursing with his brother

The days and times he still nurses alone

During our time we've seen a lot of nursing relationships start and end. And we've held our own, pressing forward one day, one nursing session at a time. 

But I know the end is near. 

Some days I think TT knows as well, but he doesn't understand. He wants to nurse, but as he gets older he is loosing is ability to get my milk to letdown. Sometimes he gets sad when this happens, and I do my best to reassure him. I hate to see him not being able to get, to have, something he holds so dear. But I know it is time; and I hold his hand and rub his back and lead him into the next stage. 

I do now know if today, or tomorrow, or the next week or month holds our last nursing session. But it is coming, when we do not know... coming... slowly, truly, quietly, coming to an end... and a new beginning is coming.

The past is the beginning of the beginning 

and all that is and has been is but the twilight of the dawn. 

HG Wells

Judge's Choice Award

Every September our little town has a fair. I've mentioned it a time or two in this blog.  It's little, it's cute, it's family friendly. Aside from all the games, and vendors, and craft fairs every year they have a "Baby Contest". I had entered TT in said contest when he was a wee one; it's open to babies under the age of 1 year, and he didn't place. Husband decided the whole contest was rigged. I mean, how could they not see that out of the 50 or so babies gathered under the tent and sitting on hey bales with their parents that HE was the cutest.

So fast forward to this year and I tell Husband that I am entering ERP. He reminds me the contest is rigged and he makes plans to check out the fair with the Big Boys and his brother while ERP and I go to the Baby Contest.

We get a seat in the second row, but the judges ask to only have babies and a parent seated with them so a stop in the front opens up and ERP and I slip in. We fill out a card with his info, and place it on the backpack. When your baby gets selected for an award they take your card. Awards are offered - 1st, 2nd and 3rd for Best Personality, Youngest, Twins, Chubbiest, Handsomest and Prettiest and then Judge's Choice (the overall winner).

ERP and I are having a blast. We are seated between two little girls. One about 6 weeks old, her mom and I chatted about pumping and nursing and all that fun stuff. And the other girl was about 5.5 months old. ERP took a shine to her and kept hugging her and petting her soft jacket (and trying to eat her mom's long hair). He was standing on my lap. He was jumping up and down. He played with his toys and kept making judges pick them up for him. He was laughing and smiling. He was eating up all of the attention.

First the judges took the cards for the youngest - there was a three way tie for 3rd - all three were born on the same day. Then you heard rumors about them taking cards for other categories. While rumor had it they were taking cards for chubbiest they took ERP's card. Now I KNOW Mr-5-Percent-for-Weight was not chosen for chubbiest. So I thought maybe best dressed... which wasn't even a category... shows what I know. I sent Husband and brother-in-law a text that he placed and hope they would get the hint and come back to see him. (I should have been more blunt, but in their defense TT was being a total pill... he was All. Day. Long.)

They started calling prized and I kept wondering when they were going to call his name. The judges were running out of categories to award prizes for and I started thinking it was a mistake and he hasn't won anything. And then they announced the Judge's Choice. And sure enough ERP won.  I was shocked.

He won the biggest ribbon and got a cute little trophy. I was over the moon happy. So proud of my cute little guy. Husband was more shocked than I was when he got there.

We pinned his ribbon to him on the ring sling and happy wore him and his award around the fair for the rest of the day.  And we treated him to his first chocolate chip cookie - his first cookie - some of his first grains in fact - for a job well done.

ERP my beauty contest winner.

And no, he will NOT be the next Honey-Boo-Boo.  Can I just admit that RR and I get sucked into watching Toddlers and Tiaras?  Yup, it's true.

9 Months (Already)

ERP is 9 months old.  Hard to believe.  And I will fully admit I have already been thinking about his birthday plans.  His birthday is on a Friday, so his party will be a Saturday. Right now I am tossing around doing either a Circus or Hungry Caterpillar theme. He is growing like a weed lately, and I'll see just how big he is when we go for his well baby visit next week.

Sleep has been all over the place.  He went from waking three times a night to two times, then he started sleeping through the night.  I mean, really, REALLY sleeping all night - 10 to 11 hour stretches. Then a pesky thing happened, he got a TOOTH!  Beating his brothers by three to four months in the "get some teeth department". But the tooth coming through caused a rough night or two. Followed by his need to learn to crawl, at one in the morning.  I kid you not, Husband and I sat in the living room coaching his crawling in the wee-hours of the day.  He has been a master of the backward crawl for months now, and just that night went forward a little. He can also get himself into a seated position and can pull himself up in his crib.  I foresee him crawling him full time by next month and pulling up on everything.

Food is his best friend.  He still nurses a ton, and takes bottle from daddy when I am at work, but he is now eating two meals most days.  Some days just one, and some days (if he's backed up) we skip solids. Baby lead weaning (feeding table food, not purees) has been much more successful and easy with ERP (opposed to TT).  In fact, as I write this he is sitting in his high chair chowing on big old hunks of watermelon. We tried a lot of new foods this month.  Peanut butter, steak, strawberries, kiwi to name a few.  In typical ERP fashion he has loved them all.

He has started saying "dadadadada" and "heeeyyyy".  Adorably cute.

Still wearing a lot of 3-6 month clothes and some 6-9 month ones.  He has me wondering if he'll fit lion costume that his brothers also wore for their first Halloween's.

Things from this month I don't want to forget:
~ how his hair is just starting to curl on the bottom in the back
~ how he makes his grunting sounds when he wants something
~ the way he swivels his hips from side to side when getting a diaper change
            I would love to get video of this, it is so funny, but he only does it naked but
~ how he likes to be laid on his left side when put to sleep
~ how he lays in bed when he's done sleeping and babbles away and flings his stuffed sheep around
~ how he hated, I mean HATED, the spray park we went to
           Oh did he cry and cry, it was terrible
~ how he hated going to the beach, again HATED
~ but he loved the mirror and the dance bar at the children's museum
~ how he learned to roll the ball and how excited it makes him
~ how he learned to bang things together, using my hands to make a clapping sound
~ watching him play peek-a-boo with his brothers
~ how RR will gladly watch him, get him, or hold him any time
~ how he loves being carried, he was born to be worn
~ how when he's nursing with TT he tries to hold his hand (then TT gets mad because he's touching him)
~ how he loves playing "On the Farm" with TT (the Little People Farm)
~ he finally enjoyed going for a walk in the stroller
~ how soft and warm he feels snuggled in the crock of my arm as we lay in bed after his last morning nursing session
~ how happy is, almost all the time