Tears in McD's

Why hello blog.... long time no write.  So much has gone on recently and I have a head full of blog ideas and I was hoping to put some thoughts out there this morning; while I sit in McD's drinking my ice coffee while the Big Boy is in CCD.... and I was hoping to work more on my practice IBCLC exams.... but alas, I sit here with a tear running down my check.... and I must say a pretty terrible ice coffee.  But I am in such a mood I have no desire to get up and complain and get it right....

Today marks 5 years since my youngest brother left this world.  He should be turning 29 in a couple of months.... but he's not.

So much has changed in the last 5 years, so much has stayed the same.  Hell, so much has changed since just this time last year.

Where to start, what to tell him about updates.  Hopefully he's been watching and knows... hopefully he is getting ready to make sure everything is going to be alright today.

In one of the stars, I shall be living.

In one of them, I shall be laughing.

And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing when you look into the sky at night.

~ The Little Prince, Antoine de Saint-Exupery

4 Years

Every year RR leaves his Uncle some spending money for the other side.  You've heard of pennies from heaven, right?  We leave pennies for heaven.  Maybe next year TT can help him.

Rest in peace dear brother and uncle... we love you and miss you.

Frozen in Time

Last night I found myself reading my brother's obituary, something that happens every March; and I came to realize that this tribute wasn't just about him.  It was about US, as a family.  Who we were at that time.  It was a glimpse into our lives, frozen in time in the words on the page.

A lot has happened in the four years since my brother departed this world.  I was married and we welcomed a new baby, another nephew for my brother.  My brother and sister-in-law had another child as well; a niece for my brother.  My mother remarried a wonderful man.  That man that would make her a widow a few short years later.  My grandmother, who was listed as surviving my brother, is now with him on the other side.

At least he's not alone over there.  He does have good company.  And here on Earth his family continues to grow, and we share our memories with our children; as a brother is never forgotten.

Vacation Not

I had plans to take vacation from work from December 22 through January 1.  Unfortunately my "vacation" got off to early start following the death of my uncle on December 17.  His funeral was the 22nd and then there was a blur in time in which we prepared for Christmas, the best we could.

Then Christmas Eve came, and RR was sick.

And then the brakes on the car went.  And we were stuck in the house for 4 days.  And it snowed.

RR and I missed Christmas Mass.  We had had plans to go to Midnight Mass.  RR was excited about going for the first time and I was looking forward to it.  But RR was sick, pretty darn sick by the time Christmas morning came; so it was just as well.  Sick kid, no brakes and snow does not make for ideal driving conditions.

Then RR started getting better.

Just in time for TT to get sick.

Thankfully the brake issue with the car was just a loose nut (which caused all the brake fluid to drain out).  So it was a fast and easy fix.

And then it snowed again.  It snowed a lot.  And TT got very sick.

Then the cat died.

TT was still running a temperature after 4 days, so we brought him to the doctors.  TT had the flu and an ear infection.

Then Husband started getting sick; just in time for me to go back to work.

So there I was at work, and I started getting sick.

Talk about a terrible vacation.

Silent Saturday

July

Today is July 1st.

I have been in denial about July coming for weeks now.  At work I have a four-month display calendar.  It has a marker so you know what calendar week of the year it is, and it has a red marker so you know exactly what day it is.  I haven't moved either into their correct and current position in weeks.  Tomorrow when I go in I will have to pull off the previous months and accept the fact that July is here.

I've been dreading July.  I haven't been myself lately because of it.  I am filled with fear, and loathing, and sadness.  I am hoping they pull my number for federal jury duty (I'm on call all summer for it); so I have something else to thing about, something else to do.

I should be turning to my friends and family, but I can't.  I know I should be calling my mom; I worry about her.  Even through she tells me all the time not to.  I am sure we could help each other get through this summer.

My Grandma was born on the 4th of July.  We've always celebrated the holiday around her birthday.  She would have been 77 this year.  September will mark a year since her passing.  Last year we made plans with her to take her to dinner the weekend following her birthday.  She wanted to go to Cracker Barrel for her chicken and dumplings, with two sides of dumplings.  She loved their dumplings.

We didn't make it that weekend.  My step-father passed away in the days leading up to that weekend.

July 11, 2011.

It's hard to believe it's been nearly a year.  Some days I feel like time has stood still.  Like I need to get on with my life; that I shouldn't let two events from last summer hold me back from living.

I am working on that.  Taking it one day at a time.  I know time heals, but it doesn't erase what has happened.  Acceptance.  I'm working on that.

So bear with me dear reader as we make our way though July.  I will do my best not to turn this blog into a sniveling, melancholy, self-serving yet depressing ball of mush.  

Project Food Budget (Week 20)

This week has been a whirlwind, between everyone getting over "the sickness", to Monkey turning 1, to getting Turkey's car ready for the pinewood derby... it's been a crazy week.  This weekend we are having Monkey's birthday party, and tonight Turkey and I went out to do the last of the shopping for it.

I made my list, and Turkey was the perfect shopping helper, he made sure I stuck to my list and if it wasn't on the list asked me if I really needed it, and then added it to the list (to then check it off).  I might have to take him shopping with me more often.

And for more than one reason.  At work today I learned that a colleague's son had passed away, he was 19.  Things like this really hit home for me.... they bring back a flood of memories of loosing my brother and the pain I saw in my parents during that time.

Now lately I have been very stressed, very anxious; to the point of not seeing the trees in the forest.

Tonight shopping I was able to clear all of that away, realizing that life may be stressful, but I have my family and my health... I was able to see my son for who he was and truly enjoy being with him and living in the moment, albeit a grocery shopping moment; but I was able to be there.

I am so sad for my colleague and his family; but I am so thankful I was given the chance to realize what I have.  And for that I am thankful.

We spent $ 62.88 on food for the party and the house (and dog-food).  At the party we are having: chili and cornbread (by my cousin), bbq kielbasa (by a friend), fruit salad (by Husband's aunt), pepperoni and cheese platter, olives & pickles, rice and beans, veggie platter, and ziti with meatballs.  I've made Monkey a 2 tiered cake, all his own; yellow and chocolate and cupcakes of the like for everyone else.

Oh yeah, we're going to be eating leftovers a few days next week; as our guest list is slowly dwindling as guests get hit with "the sickness" themselves.  Gotta love birthday's this time of year.

For most likely less depressing Project Food Budget Posts... check them out here:

Emily Levenson
Dairy-Free Cooking
Test Kitchen Tuesday
Red Pen Mama
Acquired Tastes
Fit Flexitarian
Warm As Pie 
Katy Rank Lev
My Inner Healthy
Little Blue Hen
xox, b
Project Food Budget 2.0
Fresh...A New Chapter
Two Eggs Over Easy 
That's Just Me
Eat Whole Be Vital
Four Happy Violets
Naturally {Un}refined
Pgh Dad  
yogabeautylife
Charmingly Modern
naMAMAste
Six Dollars a Day
The Gluten-Free Vegan
What da Health?
Twice the Twinsanity

A New Chapter

Yesterday I started Chapter 34 in my life.  It was a good day.  And I am hoping the rest of this chapter follows suit.

Chapter 33 was a difficult one.  It started out a bit rocky with Turkey's diagnosis of Asperger's, but then quickly became joyous during the birth of Monkey.  The end of winter and early spring were quiet, but it seemed like unrest was afoot.  In July we lost my step-father, and then in September we lost my Grandmother.  It was during this time my heart and mind went to a dark place, life suddenly seemed a lot less fair than it had in the past. But I looked to my family, especially Husband and my mom, and prayed really hard on it all; and slowly but surely I am finding my way around to a more positive light.

And I think I'm off to a pretty good start for a more positive light, and a better new chapter.

Usually I am a sullen mess around my birthday.  It's not that I don't like my birthday or getting a year older; it's that my paternal-grandmother died right before and was buried on my 25th birthday. Something like that sticks with you for a while.

But this year I was better.  I was less moody, less upset... and considering all that had happened this year, I think I did pretty darn good on my birthday.  Husband was impressed by how cheerful I was compared to previous year.

The day was wonderful.  Breakfast in bed with my guys, swimming lessons for the boys, lunch (child free) with my dear friend KB (who invited my mom as an added surprise), a little holiday shopping, and then a quiet evening home with presents and ice cream cake... capped off with the Griswold's Christmas and some alone time with my honey.

It's days like that, that remind me; that while I was lost a lot, and don't have everything my heart desires; I do have a lot.... especially a lot of love. And for that I am truly blessed.

So bring on this next chapter... I KNOW it's going to be better than the last.

Snow Dance

My step-father was many things; professionally speaking he was a carpenter / contractor.  He build the most amazing additions, but his specialty was barns.

He was talented, wasn't he?

Now barn building isn't exactly something you do in New England in the dead of winter, so during this time he was also a plow contractor for the state.  He was a whole fleet of banana yellow plow trucks.  Every time it snowed say it was "snowing dollar signs".  I'm glad he enjoyed the snow.

Me, personally, not such a fan of the snow.  Snow is OK (and only OK) if I have a house full of food, a tank full of oil and NO place to go.  I don't like driving in the snow, in fact I avoid it at all costs.  But, I digress....

When step-dad was itching for a good snow storm to fill his coffers with (granted it took the state forever to pay), he would do a little jig.  A jig he called "the snow dance".  

Last night we had some snow, not much, but enough for the state to call out the sanders (he had one of those as well).  My mom and I decided he must be doing his snow dance in heaven, because it's really early for snow in these parts.

Well apparently, he didn't get the memo from my mom and I... we're not ready for snow.  And they are calling for 8 to 12 inches over night tomorrow.

Dear Ronnie.... please stop the snow dance.  It's far to early, and your grand-kids want to go trick or treating on Monday.  Love, your daughter.

Update: TIBMTD Sept. List

OK, let's see how I did or didn't do on my list in September.  

1) Develop these single use cameras from our wedding.  It's only been like a year and a half... so why not finally get it done now, right?  HA!  Didn't even think about doing this.

2) Start filling in this Family Tree / Family Album.  I bought it at least 4 months ago.  

I looked at this and thought about doing it.  But alas, didn't get to it.

3) Tidy up the coat rack area.  If this doesn't get under control soon we'll never have room for the dreaded winter gear.  

Did this!!!  Several times I might add.  Too much rain lately.

4) Put pictures in this frame.  I have them (OK, I am short one and that's why this isn't done).  I did this as well.  And we hung it up.  Do I get bonus points for that?

5) Go around to each room and make a list of what that room needs.  

Started this.  So that counts.  

All in all not to bad considering we had another family death in September.  I wonder what October has in store.  Hopefully good health for all my loved ones.

In Memorian (sadly, again)

In Memorian of Grammie

July 4, 1935 to September 13, 2011

This week we said good-bye to one wonderfully goofy lovable lady, my Grammie.  I dug through old pictures tonight and could post ones of her in her big hats, or tight curls, or making one goofy face after another... but instead I've decided to just use one of my favorites from our wedding last year.

She's just the cutest thing, isn't she?

While she could be ornery and set in her ways (aren't we all at times), she was certainly a pleasure to have around... and she taught me a lot.  She showed my cousin and I how to shop like ladies and buy proper Easter hats. she took my to get my first perm (and my hair's been curly ever since), she had a great love of books (many of which I have in my attic).  She wasn't the greatest cook... but she made killer spaghetti sauce, sweet tea, potato salad and French meat stuffing.  She loved, and I mean LOVED, chicken and dumplings.  For a few years she worked as a lunch lady.  Having your grandma as a lunch lady certainly HAD benefits, I can almost taste the egg salad sandwiches on the white bread (because that's what you ate in the 80's).  And she was a hoot at times... like when she painted her living room that orange sherbet color (OK, she bought the paint and had my uncle do the work).  

My only regret, was that I never had a chance to learn how to make her meat stuffing (I've got all the other recipes down pat).  

Rest in peace Grammie... and if you want to send me that recipe in a dream I won't mind.  

Children, Happiness & Family Found

I have always found comfort and strength in my children during hard times.  That is not to say I lean on them for  moral support, but rather just their being, their smiles; have a way of lifting my spirits.  Apparently this is not just true for me... I think in general children have the ability to make people happier.  Nana, in her 90+ years of wisdom; has always told me Turkey was her vitamin; he is was keeps her going.

Last Saturday when we said our final farewells to my step-father, R, I witnessed the miracle of happiness children can bring.

I hadn't seen or spoken to R's family, in particular his mom and step-dad since R and my mom got married.  They simply don't live around here and their wedding was the first time we met.  Well when we walked into the funeral home with Monkey and Turkey they wanted to know about the boys.  Then R's mom took Monkey into her arms and proclaimed "my newest grandson" and her husband pointed out that he was her "newest great-grandson"; and with that Monkey took his place on their laps for a large part of the calling hours.  They introduced him to family and friends that came to pay their respects; and they were constantly asking about and checking on Turkey.  It was certainly a very dark and hard day, but to see the smiles that Monkey brought to them, and to watch them and my mom hold his little hands; I was in awe of the happiness he brought to others.  Like I tell him when he wakes up from his naps he "was all smiles and sunshine".

At the end of the day we promised to send pictures of the boys and keep them up to date with how they are doing; and as I put the finishing touches on a package to send to them I have a feeling of family found.  While I can never bring my step-father back I am happy and thankful to have his family in my life.

Picking Up the Pieces

On Monday, July 11th, we suddenly lost a great man, my step-father.  It was the kind of quick and sudden passing that not only left you with heart-ache and tears, but also with shock and disbelief.  All at once the world slowed down and sped up at the same time; and everyday life was put on-hold.  

I haven't been to work in a week; instead I have been with my family.  Driving out to see my mom as much as possible (it's a 45 minute drive) and at the same time trying to give Turkey space to grieve while trying to keep home life as normal as possible for him (as it was he had Cub Scout Day Camp during all this).

Yesterday, Saturday, we said our final good-byes (more to come on that over time) and today we slept in late and started waking up from our daze.  Husband and I looked around the house, and despite cleaning mid-week during everything, we were met with a total mess.  I had cob-webs on my washer and dryer, and piles of dirty clothes higher than the door.  For a mid-morning snack Turkey made himself a potato chip and mustard sandwich on the last two pieces of bread and I realized I really needed to get to the grocery store.  It was time start picking up the pieces of life.

Step-dad isn't (wasn't I should say) the kind of guy who would like you mopping doing nothing, and with that in mind I started moving again; all be it slowly.

I chipped away at the dirty clothes (6 loads done, none folded), went back to using cloth diapers (who can use cloth during a time like last week?), went to the grocery store with the family in-tow (including Husband who sprained his ankle this morning), and started cleaning little by little.  It's a work in progress, and like healing from a tragedy like this, it will take some time and never really be done.

In Memorian

In honor of my step-father... the man that walked me down the isle.

November 10, 1956 to July 11, 2011

Tuffy

Today we woke up to some very sad news.  My mom's horse, Tuffy, past away.  My mom had just gotten back from a mini-vacation with Turkey and my niece; and when she got home he was very sick.  Tuffy was getting up there in years and his health had been declining for the last year.

Tuffy will be missed by a lot of people... heck even her horse farm was named after him "Tuff E Nuff Farm".  

Tuffy came into our lives about 2 years ago.  My mom had taken up equine-therapy after my brother past away in March 2009 and Tuffy was the first horse she adopted.  In a way, to me at least, it almost feels like loosing my brother again (and I never rode Tuffy).  So I suppose should my brother ever decide to take up horse riding, at least he'll have a partner on his side.