The Twilight Years

You cannot, in human experience, rush into the light.
You have to go through the twilight into the broadening day
before the noon comes and the full sun is upon the landscape.
Woodrow Wilson

The other day I read the most touching blog post; The Golden Age of Breastfeeding. At first when I read the title I thought I was going to read about the era in which we lived, and about how breastfeeding rights and rates were increasing and the like. Instead it was a moving piece about what it was like to nurse a 28 month old. I will admit, I cried when I read this. It was true, oh so very true. 

And it reminded me, it starkly reminded me; that TT and I were past the golden age, past the golden months, the golden years.

TT and I are in the Twilight Years, nearly 44 months of nursing; and the end is coming and we both know it is.

We've been through a lot - 

the early days where everything was uncertain and new

The days when he was young and it seemed like the
rules and habits where changing every day

The days in the middle where everything was right with
the world and our nursing relationship

The lean days of dry nursing while I was pregnant with his little brother

The early days after his little brother was born
and he was fat and happy with milk

The days we nursed in public

The days we nursed in private

The day he learned about sharing his time nursing with his brother

The days and times he still nurses alone

During our time we've seen a lot of nursing relationships start and end. And we've held our own, pressing forward one day, one nursing session at a time. 

But I know the end is near. 

Some days I think TT knows as well, but he doesn't understand. He wants to nurse, but as he gets older he is loosing is ability to get my milk to letdown. Sometimes he gets sad when this happens, and I do my best to reassure him. I hate to see him not being able to get, to have, something he holds so dear. But I know it is time; and I hold his hand and rub his back and lead him into the next stage. 

I do now know if today, or tomorrow, or the next week or month holds our last nursing session. But it is coming, when we do not know... coming... slowly, truly, quietly, coming to an end... and a new beginning is coming.

The past is the beginning of the beginning 

and all that is and has been is but the twilight of the dawn. 

HG Wells

10 Months

Well here we are - ERP is 10 months old!  ACK!!!

He is getting so big so fast. I say that every month don't I.

But this month, he is clearly closer to being a toddler than being a newborn. ERP is crawling all over the place.  Let me re-phrase that - ALL. OVER. THE. PLACE. He is little, he is quick, he can squeeze into the small, small places. Clearly he is presenting parenting challenges we have never in our wildest dreams imagined.  #3 clearly is the "wild card". He is pulling up on everything in sight, and cursing along his toys.

He is eating everything insight. Still just two meals a day, but he loves FOOD. Oh does he love food. With TT we had some "fears" with using BLW (baby lead weaning) and a couple of gagging instances, but ERP just seems to be one with food.

As with all previous months, he is still a peanut. Still wearing mostly 6 months clothes. Some 9 month and some 12 months... and some 3 month clothes.

ERP is rocking it out with two bottom teeth.

And sleep - while sleep is a crap shoot - pardon my "French". Let's not get into that.

Things I don't want to forget from this month:
~ how his little butt still fits into one of my hands, I remember holding his butt when he was in my womb
~ how soft and fine and wispy his hair his, how when I breath him in it gets caught in my mouth
~ the first night I went to get him from his crib and he was standing waiting for me
~ when he won Judge's Choice Award in the Baby Contest
~ his first cookie - as a prize for winning - and the chocolate mess that ensued
~ carrying him around at the Big E while he was eating a giant pickle
~ watching him "bounce" in his bouncer like he was riding a horse
~ seeing him crawl across the grass for the first time
~ taking him apple picking
~ how excited he gets at dinner time and how he tries to help put the tray on his highchair
~ watching him double fist eat bananas
~ seeing how he has RR wrapped around his little finger
~ the way his face looks so sweet, as his cheek is resting on my breast after he's finished nursing, his eyelids lightly fluttering as he starts drifting off to sleep
~ the night he slept 11.5 hours!  YES!
~ the first night his new babysitter was putting him to sleep, seeing his sitter trying to hard and succeeding - if only we hadn't come home
~ knowing that he will only be this little once and taking every chance I can get to soak up all of his sweet sweet babyness