Saturday, August 15

Project Food Budget: Week 11

So sorry this is so late this week... and on the PFB front it has been an excellent week. One of the best so far, but I was so POed about TT's stolen sword earlier this week I just never got around to writing this post.

The two week budget remains $200. I spent $154 and change at Aldi and didn't do any "extra" shopping. Many many people had urged me to try Market Basket instead of Aldi, but I need shampoo. Which we get at Trader Joe's and TJ's is by my Aldi, so Aldi this week only made sense. 

Main dish meals this week:
Sunday: Sausage
Monday: Hot dogs and beans
Tuesday: We went to the spaghetti supper at church
Wednesday: Tacos
Thursday: Whole wheat English muffin pizza and salad
Friday: the kids had mac and cheese Husband and I ate later and had tuna and fries
Saturday: Steak and veggies on the grill

Wednesday, August 12

A Open Letter

Yesterday morning I took off of work. I had to bring ERP to an early appointment and I had told Husband if I had time I wanted to take TT to an art event at the library. I had the time and I took him. He brought along with him his Minecraft sword, won that past weekend at Six Flags.Within 20 minutes of being at the event it was stolen. It wasn't misplaced. It wasn't moved. It was stolen. I've had things stolen from me in the past - my grill, my favorite stroller - but they do not compare to having your child's toy stolen from them. And stolen from a "safe place" - really who steals from the library. THE LIBRARY; which is based on the principle that you can borrow things for free as long as you return them. This item was not borrowed, it was not checked out. And I am mad. No, I am pissed. And this is a letter to those that did.

Hey There Adult,

In case you didn't realize it, but you are suppose to be in charge of your child. Children, especially those between the ages of 2 and 5 - which was the crowd at the art program - require supervision. Sometimes they get into things they shouldn't. And it's our job to stop them. Keep them safe. Stop them from hurting themselves or others. Stop them from taking things that don't belong to them.

Now sure you may not have noticed right away, your child had a "new" sword. After all it was raining yesterday and you may have been in a hurry to get them in the car. But at some point in the last 24 hours you must have noticed that your child was playing with a new toy; that you didn't recall buying or them getting as a gift. And I know kids, having three of them myself; when they get a super cool new toy - one worth stealing over - they are going to play with it. That is unless there are some deeper issues and they are in the habit of stealing things and hiding them away in a secret place. And if that's the case you should keep a better eye on them. 

So maybe it's my fault for letting my child and his toy tempt your child. After all I let him take the sword with him. But you know what? He's four years old and he really likes his toy swords and capes, and Batman mask... and he takes them places. Because they are important to him. They are cool.

And that sword was really cool. After all, he won it. Playing the strongman game at Six Flags and that increases the cool value to him. Plus his brother, he won one as well. So they could play swords together. And his brother is older than him. and in his eyes he is the mecca of cool and to be able to have this sword bond with his brother was a big thing to him. 

And you know what? You took it away. You let your kid walk away with an 18-inch foam sword. 

A sword that was put on a shelf in the activity room in the library... so it WOULD STAY SAFE and clean while my son and twenty other kids made arts and crafts. 

And I swear I saw you or your son take it. Out of the corner of my eye. My mom senses were tingling and all of a sudden I knew there was a problem. I felt it in my bones that the sword was gone. I rushed over to check where we had put it. And sure enough. GONE. I spoke to the librarian; who acted fast on the situation. She talked to all of the junior volunteers, to the parents, she searched the library (which really is not big), checked at the circulation desk, looked outside the library (in the rain). She took her time... her time away from all the other kids at the event to look for this sword. And for that I am forever grateful. But you know, in the end all of those other kids lost out as well. She wasn't able to devote her time to what was going on, rather she was looking for the sword. 

Now I am not saying my kid is perfect or I am the perfect parent. Far from it. but my kids know it is not OK to take something that is not theirs. Should they come home from a friend's or school with something that belong to them be assured there are questions from me. And I know kids can explain away just about everything. And maybe, just maybe you believed that this sword was given to your child by my son. 

But it was all over social media last night. Nearly every board and parenting organization in town shared the post looking for the sword. 

And maybe you've been busy and haven't checked the happenings lately - I get it - we are busy. But I ask you, I plead to you - please just return the sword to the library. 

My mind is scheming with ways to replace it. I can order one similar to it off ebay or maybe someone can make a "quick" trip to Six Flags to get another one. But me replacing it is not the point. If your kid did take it, deal with them how you see fit; but please return the sword.

Stealing from a kid is just not cool. I know accidents happen, but when they do we try to make them right. So, please, make this right. 

A Mom

PS I would hate to think you, the parent or guardian; had any actual involvement in this incident... but you know... the mind wanders.  

Wednesday, August 5

The Struggle is Real

I don't think I've mentioned it here before, but we have some serious bath-time issues with ERP. It all started about a year ago; which is a long time when you consider he's not even two. Suddenly he hated baths. 




We're talking full on panic attacks, on his part; over taking a bath. 

Red faced.


Scaling the walls.



Total panic melt down.

It is not pretty. These days it takes both Husband and I to wash him. The bath takes about three minutes and that is three minutes too long.

We've tried many things - bathes in the sink, bathes in the baby tub, bathes in the big tub with me, bathes in the big tub with TT, showers with me, showers with Husband, showers with TT. 




Until about a week ago he hated most forms of water - except a random puddle or his water table. Earlier in the summer TT accidentally pushed him into the wading pool, he froze; and would have drowned if I wasn't right there. Drowning is silent.

Then one day we got him into the "big" pool with me. He clung to me, like the "baby cling-on" that he is. But he was OK. We went in the pool more and more times. He warmed up to it.

It was progress but we still dreaded taking him to the beach. He hated it. HATED IT. Last summer.

But then we went to the beach last week. And he loved it.

He willingly went into the water. Over and over again. He let me toss him up in the air. He let RR toss him in the air. He played ball. He splashed. He even went under and didn't totally lose him mind. He was like a new kid. Husband and I were on cloud nine from this. This was progress. Huge progress.

This past weekend I moved the small climber and slide onto the deck, and set the slide into the wading pool. TT and ERP gladly went down the slide. ERP willingly and happily went into the little pool. 

We went in the big pool again. He loved it. Floated on his own in his ring.

I was feeling great about bath-time!

And then bath-time came.

And it sucked.


All his fears and panics over the bath came back. 

My original plan was to bath him and TT at the same time. As I have attempted many times in the past. But once we walked into the bathroom ERP lost his shit. Yup... lost it.

So TT showered. ERP continued to cry. Even though he was fully clothed. Normally when he's naked in the bathroom he tries to redress himself in his panic attacks.He got a towel and made me wrap him up in it. And unless he was sitting on my lap, he was crying. Thankfully TT can bath himself, he just needs gentle guidance and someone to dispense the shampoo and soap.

So... the struggle is real. The struggle to bath ERP continues. Rages on.

Seriously - how can someone that happy hate the water so much?

Tuesday, August 4

Project Food Budget (Week 10)

Greetings PFB Fans!

So my two week budget is $200. Last week I spent $ 182.37. This week... we've done pretty good considering how little was left in the budget. Husband spent "a little less than $10" at Stop and Shop earlier in the week and I spent $ 9.20 at Stop and Shop today. I am pretty certain I will need to get milk which will put me in the end about $7 over budget. But really... that's pretty darn good.

That trip to Stop and Shop I had... that was my proudest moment. I love saving money. For my $ 9.20 I got three loaves of bread (two whole wheat and one white... I needed white for my egg salad), two cucumbers, one bunch of regular bananas, several bags of the "mini" bananas, one large bag of salad and one small bag of salad.

Meals this week have been super easy as I had so many planned last week

Sunday: blueberry pancakes, eggs and sausage

Monday: egg salad sandwiches and applesauce

Tuesday: sloppy Joes and oven fries

Wednesday: "eat what you want that's in the house" aka cereal if they want it

Thursday: grilled steaks and salad

Friday: pizza (which is not part of our food budget)

Hope you all are having a great week!!

And don't forget to visit these other participating bloggers:

Wednesday, July 29

Not Surgery Day

Today was suppose to be "surgery day".

Thankfully it is not.

Because it's too darn hot to be all miserable from surgery.

And because we're still learning about how to best deal with Husband's diabetes.

And because ERP is teething. Ergo he's miserable and surgery while he's miserable would have sucked.

Surgery was cancelled due to finding out that my thyroid cyst was benign. Woo Hoo!!

And... and this is a big and... the cyst shrank. It went from over 5cm to around 4cm. Which doesn't sound like a lot, but it was enough for it not to be putting pressure on my windpipe anymore. Seriously this change was life altering. Ok, so draining the cyst and it refilling was super painful. I couldn't talk to days, move my head or drive. I had pain in my jaw and ears. I was miserable. I would have given anything to have had my thyroid removed those days. But then the pain lessened. The neck pain I had been having for months and months went away. My doctor did another "look see" and was able to get good samples to test... and here were are.

Happy No Surgery Day!!

I do go back in six months to have it looked at again for more growths. But for now we celebrate.

I spent the day silently reflecting on how amazing the news of it being benign was. When I got word on Friday last week... I felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.

But today I kept thinking... "at this time we would be heading to the hospital"... when in fact I was eating breakfast with my family and my mom.

"at this time we would be going in to the operating room"... as I was cleaning my floors.

"at this time I would be coming out of the operating room"... as I was playing at the park with the little kids.

"at this time I would probably be heading home".... as I was playing in the pool with RR.

It was a good day...

A day I am thankful for. A blessed day....

Project Food Budget: Week 9

Another week. Another day late. Oops.

This past week has gone by crazy fast. 

Lot's of food shopping this week. I feel like I've been at the store every other day.

$ 146.26 at Aldi.
$ 8 at the farm stand
$11.96 at Geissler's
$ 9.08 at Stop and Shop
$ 7.07 at the Trading Post

Ok... that is a lot of shopping and a lot of different store.

Total $182.37. This leaves me with a little less than $18 for the new expanded $200 every two week budget. Eek! 

Meals this week, in no particular order; as my mama is here and we're kind of rolling with it:
White chicken chili with salad and chips
Salmon patties with veggies and pasta salad
Tacos and corn on the cob
Blueberry pancakes, eggs and sausage
Sloppy Joes with veggies and fries
Spaghetti with meatballs and salad
Egg salad sandwiches with fruit
Luncheon meat sandwiches and chips and pickles
Hot dogs, beans and corn on the cob

Can you tell it's summer veggie time!! YUMMY!!!!

Goals for the next week.... to look forward to the final two weeks and have the budget, meal plan and fridge cleaned out and ready to rock the end.

Don't forget to visit Emily Levenson 

and these other bloggers:

Wednesday, July 22

Project Food Budget: Week 8 (3)

Sorry for being a day late.

So the two week budget is $160 and I was already over it last week at $163.47. So far this week we've spent $ 53.22 on produce, bread and milk. So for two weeks I am over by $ 56.69 (all of it spent at Stop & Shop). I suppose it could be worst. Husband's new diet is really impacting things. Salad and fruit cost a lot more than bags of commercially made carbs... his previous favorite go-to foods.

But as Emily reminded me, new diets sometime require adjusting the budget. I'll have to look at that more the end of this week as I get ready to do another big two week shopping spree. 

Another struggle this week is RR being away at camp. He eats! Like really eats. And eats everything. TT and ERP not so much. This week I feel like I am cooking for two and praying the other two eat something. When RR is home I feel like I am cooking for "the family". 

Menu this week
Sunday: mango chicken (I ended up not making it last week)
Monday: grilled porkchops, applesauce and salad
Tuesday: the little ones had mac and cheese; husband and I had salads with grilled chicken over it
Wednesday: teriyaki porkchops, tomatoes, cucumbers, bread with butter and applesauce
Thursday: crockpot chicken (didn't make this last week either), stuffing and carrots
Friday: we're eating out!

Tonight I am looking for recipes for some homemade diabetic bran muffins. But nothing with crazy fake sugar in it so the kids can it them too. I need to find more high fiber foods to keep Husband feeling full longer. Lately it seems like all he thinks about is food. Which I guess is common among those who are dieting or facing big lifestyle/food changes. And I am open for suggestions for other yummy good high fiber eats.

Emily Levenson - who started this all.

Monday, July 20

Away at Camp

The biggest boy, aka RR; is away at camp this week. 

This isn't the first time he's gone away to camp. And I am sure it won't be the last time. 

But I seem to be missing him more than normal this time. And we're only on the second night.

As he gets older he opts to spend more time by himself or with his friends. He opts to not go to the grocery store. Instead he stays home "for the dog" as he puts it. And when we are all home we need to pull him out of his room. Off the phone. Away from Skype. But he's around. 

With him at camp this week it's making me realize how important he is to the family. Even if it feels like Husband or I are always prying him out of his room. 

First of all; there is no one to set the table. Or empty the dishwasher. 

There is no one stay home "for the dog", which means in this weather Lily has to spend time in her kennel when we go out.

There is no one to take ERP for a walk when "I need a minute".

But it also means that no one is coming downstairs to hang out with Husband and I at 9pm, when the little ones are in bed. 

It's funny. When he's around I don't realize how much he helps us out. How much we enjoy his company. 

I'll need to make sure I let him know he as missed when he gets back from camp.

Tuesday, July 14

Project Food Budget: Week 7 (My Week 2)

Check it - I have the current logo this week. :-)

So this week things changed in the house. Things that affect how we eat and in the end how we shop. Now if you are not familiar with this blog I am the mom of three boys. RR is 11 years, nearly 11.5 and stands a good five foot two or three inches. TT is four, nearly four and a half; and is bigger than most six years old. I kid you not. He's better than 46-inches and about 60-lbs. Then there is ERP, the baby. My smallest guy at 19 months he's barley 19 pounds. But since starting medication for reflux seems to be eating more. And then there is me and Husband. On Thursday last week we found out that Husband was a diabetic. At this time he is classified as "unknown", but his doctor is leaning more towards him being a type one diabetic. Obviously we are pursuing more information and testing on this.

Now husband was the king of carbs. He could make entire meals, nay eat for an entire day; on nothing but carbs. And with this latest news, that has changed. He is reading labels. Looking at eats more vegetables and proteins and is more willing to try new foods. He really is doing good and I am sure once he meets with his new team of doctors we'll both learn more about food and eating for health.

So... with that being said... food shopping this week involved buying new foods. Our menu this week features new foods. And I am excited to be cooking new foods.

Our food budget for a two week period, because I do bulk shopping in two week blocks is $160. Every few days I do go to buy fresh produce and milk.

Aldi - $117.96 - this is my total after taking out the Hula Hoops and what not
Stop & Shop - $ 45.52

For a total of $163.47.

So.... It's going to be really hard to spend no money in the next two weeks on milk and produce, so I'll really have to be careful and shop with price in mind as I am technically over budget already.

Menu this week
Sunday: ham and turkey wrap sandwiches with veggies and tater tots
Monday: chicken nuggets with salad and fresh green beans
Tuesday: salmon burgers* with cantaloupe and cucumbers
Wednesday: RR has scouts so the boys will have mac and cheese and Husband and I will  make something later
Thursday: mango chicken over whole wheat rice
Friday: tacos (made with ground turkey)
Saturday: chicken (in the crockpot) with veggies and maybe stuffing 

* The salmon burgers were a HUGE HIT. Husband, and the kids for that matter; have never had them before. And I MADE them. It was super easy and super yummy. No one complained ONCE about this dinner. I was really proud of Husband for trying them, let alone liking them. I made a lemon-dill mayo to go with them, which ERP enjoyed eating as is. TT, who is super picky even ate some. It was a total winner.

Oh and in case you are wondering I do feed them meals aside from dinner. Breakfast is usually cereal or french toast sticks. But I did spluge on bagels this week. And Stop & Shop had big boxes of Kix and Cheerios on sale, 4 for $10 so I had to get those as well. Lunch is typically cheese sandwiches, turkey dogs, peanut butter anything. And they snack on fruit on graham crackers all day long.

So... now that you are hungry... make sure you stop by and see how these other members are doing and what's on their menu.

Emily Levenson - who started this all.

Tuesday, July 7

Project Food Budget: It's Back!

A few years ago I did an online "experiment" called Project Food Budget with Emily Levenson. The goal of the project was to have a grocery budget and to try and shop in that budget. All of the bloggers in the experiment had to share their weekly menu, their budget and what they actually spent - you know that whole accountability thing.

Last week while I was blogging I was thinking about PFB and was missing it. As sad and as strange as that sounds. And then one of my friends that also participated in it a few years back told me it was going on again. This time for 12 weeks, instead of a year... and yeah it was almost half over already. But I figured if she can jump in late this time around... so can I.

A few things are different for me this time around. Aside from having more and bigger mouths to feed. I am now actually grocery shopping on a regular basis. That was one of the hardest things for me with the first go around of PFB, not shopping regularly. Now I am also meal planning 2 weeks in advance. This is because we now do the bulk of our shopping at Aldi. And Aldi is a bit of a drive. This time around I also have a hand on staples. I know I need four boxes of cereal, two boxes of granola bars, one giant box of fruit snacks, etc... to last two weeks between the Aldi trips. I guess you could say I have a handle on what we, as a family, eat.

So last time I shopped I spent $130 at Aldis. My food budget over two weeks is $160 and this includes buying milk and fruit every few days from a local grocery store or market. I don't know my total for my "milk and fruit" shopping trips, so I can only assume it was on budget. So I guess in that sense PFB will be a help.

Menu this week
Monday: Pasta with sausage
Tuesday: eggs, corn beef hash and toast
Wednesday: Need to figure something out... I had assumed RR had scouts which meant the boys would have something quick like mac and cheese and fruit and Husband and I would eat later... but no scouts... so I am open to suggestions.
Thursday: sandwiches and salads
Friday: eating out

This symbol is really old... I should confirm if there is a new this time around.

Sunday, July 5

Once upon a time....

Once upon a time, way back when it was just RR and me; I used to get up early nearly every Saturday morning and have "me time".

It was back before everyone was on Facebook and people hung out on-line on message-boards. Do people even still use those? I was a community leader for a couple of them and on Saturday morning I would drink my coffee in peace while RR slept and spend time on-line. I used to post a weekly feature called "Saturday Stuff" where we would all chat about the nuances of day to day life.

This morning I am awake, down in the dining room alone. Almost like "old times".

RR is technically awake, but around 8:30am I gave him his DS so he could go watch videos and play games in his room. QUIETLY. After all I did get some snuggles from him this morning, which at age 11 I will take them when I get them.

TT is catching up on some much needed sleep. As is Husband.

And ERP; ever since his reflux medication kicked in his sleep has greatly improved. I don't think I updated about that. ERP's been having signs of silent or not so silent reflux for ages. Everything from ear infections to back arching crying and screaming in the middle of the night. At his 18 month well child appointment I went in to it with an agenda. Try and fix this mess he was - his pediatrician agreed to try the reflux meds, and really something else to give he had started to lose weight. So after about one and a half weeks on medication he turned the corner. He stopped waking five or six times a night, like he had been for the last 18 months and was waking one or two times. He stopped the back arching crying and crying in the middle of the night. He started eating, most days. And now he sleeps until eight or nine most days; instead of up and crying and miserable at five or six.

Anyhow; here I am alone. Just me and a cup of coffee, and possibly some of the worst chocolate chip pancakes I have ever made. How chocolate chip pancakes can be "bad" is beyond me. But I did it.

Since I have started writing this the dog is now down here with me. This can only mean one thing. TT is awake. She sleeps under his bed, with his bedroom door closed.... and that's how we know he's up... Lily is out. This works out great at nap-time when he's not napping.

And with that... I have run out of things to write about this morning. And my coffee is getting cold. And I cannot eat this nasty pancake. So... have a great Sunday everyone!

Tuesday, June 30

Good-bye Maternity Clothes

Tonight I said good-bye to my maternity clothes. Three pregnancies over 11 years worth of maternity clothes.


Out of my closet.
Out of my life.

I kept a few favorite pieces. Like the very first piece of maternity clothing I ever bought, back in the summer of 2003 when I was expecting RR. A jean-jumper. Which I will be honest, I wore last weekend strawberry picking.

I kept a holiday themed shirt that I wore often in my pregnancies with TT and ERP. It reads "Baby the Gift that Keeps On Giving".

But the rest of it; which honestly and sadly seemed to have more style to it than my everyday clothing; is gone.

Off to see another mama through her third pregnancy. After her maternity clothes went missing.

My maternity winter jacket I had passed on this past winter to a friend.

Off, out, and gone out of my life.

It's a little sad.

It's a turning point.

But I like to think of the new people wearing them. Of the other new beginnings they will see.

Super awesome swimsuit - GONE
The dress I wore to so many weddings - GONE

This well loved outfit from TT's birth - GONE

Had this shirt through three pregnancies - GONE
This is one I had to keep.

And this one.

Also gone - but look how cute?

And it's worth it... because I have these three guys and this stud muffin to show for it.

Thursday, June 25

Summer Vacation

School is out!!

RR's summer vacation officially started on Monday afternoon. TT has been out of school since mid last week.

And so far... it's been a pretty good start to the summer. Now, if the weather would cooperate that would be great.

The boys are all signed up for the summer reading program and have eagerly dived into the books they got at the library today. Well, expect RR; he has like 5 new books on his Kindle. So he's diving into that. It doesn't have the same ring... but you get the idea.

This summer we are avoiding the "Summer Bucket List". We did this last year and in the end it made me depressed for not "doing anything". Seriously.

And with not having a list we've already done more items on last year's list than we did last year.

I made gummie bear popsicles. Yeah, I'm cool like that.
We went for a hike already.
We've been to several playgrounds.
We've been to Six Flags a couple times. Yup, got the boys season passes for Christmas.

And really I figure, between the season passes, the new park in town, the hiking club and the new pool and the summer reading program... really... what else do we need to do. Oh yeah... the weather to work out so the pool can get set-up.

School is out! Summer is here!

And oh yeah; summer surgery. Surgery for my partial thyroid removal is set for July 29. Talk about big and happening summer plans.

This summer is going to fly by. Between all of the things above to do. RR going to camp for a week in July. My surgery. And then heading to Maine to see my mom in August. It will be back to school time before we know it.

Here's to a great summer - can you see me raising my glass - now if only I can squeeze in a few coffee dates with my girlfriends.

Thursday, June 11

18 Months!

A few days ago the baby, aka ERP, turned 18 months.

How did that happen?

Oh I know. I blinked.

Don't blink.


I often forget that he is not a baby anymore, but rather a toddler.

This also leads me to forget that TT isn't a toddler anymore, but rather a preschooler.

And when did that happen?

And don't even get me started on the biggest boy, and his hairy upper lip and deep baritone singing voice.

Anyhow, I digress....

ERP is still a little squirt. I call him Bird. Husband calls him Mouse. He has his 18 month check-up next week and he may finally weigh 20 lbs. He is certainly going through a growth spurt these days.

He may look a lot like TT and have some of RR's mannerisms, but he is certainly not his brothers. He has broken the mold in every way possible. From his blue eyes and curly hair, to his temper and all of those teeth. He is one tooth shy of having all of his first set of molars, and then on to cutting his eye teeth.

And that temper I mentioned. Oh the temper. He pitches the biggest fits. He bites toys and furniture. He turns beat red. He throws things. He just gets so mad. It takes all of mine and Husband's strength not to laugh at his over the top pint size melt downs.

He is still nursing. Which is another post in itself. I recall being so happy with reaching this milestone with TT. These days nursing is the same as breathing. It just happens.

ERP has a total disgust for getting wet. And as we found out the other day, when we went to the park; he also hates sand. Really hates sand. As in "clean my hands every time it touches me" hates sand. He should be a ball of fun at the beach this summer.

So the water thing. He hates it. Unless it's the dogs dish, a small puddle or his water table. Water he has to get into. Forget it. When he has to be bathed, it's a two person job. One to hold him down and the other to wash him. He totally looses his shit. Seriously. And he tries to escape from the water like it was on fire. He will scale you like a cat climbing a tree to get away from a dog.

Actually he tries to climb me a lot. He is without a doubt a "worn child". He is also a mama's boy. He likes Husband enough, until I'm around. When I am around, everyone else if chop liver... assuming you don't like chop liver.

Food. Food is all over the place. Some days he's eats, and eats a variety of stuff. Other days he turns his nose up at everything.

He's all about doing what his brothers do. He loves hanging out with them. He likes RR to take him for walks in the stroller, and he loves playing play-doh and coloring with TT.

But he doesn't plenty his brother's never did. He climbs. Oh, he climbs. On everything. He likes to stand on chairs. He races from one side of the couch to the other. And it's not like we endorse these activities; they happen in a blink of an eye. He certainly keeps us on our toes.

And for everyone that ask - how's he's sleeping? He's not. We'll just leave it at that.

And now... the photos.

Friday, May 29

Dusty Around Here: Biopsy

Last night Husband remarked it had been a long time since I made a blog post.

And he's right.

I've wanted to write. But I haven't been able to. I've been dealing with some medical issues, that have been affecting everything. And in order to blog about the boys, the holidays, work and what not I would have been impossible to not write about what was going on. And honestly I have been tired. And sore. I've kept up a good front around the boys. We have not said anything to RR, but as my surgery comes closer we will. I've been making the rounds telling people. I waited a long while to tell most people as I had to tell my mom first and in person. I have a few more people to tell and talk to about everything, and a few of them may read this blog before I get a chance to call. But it's time. I've mentioned it casually enough to enough people. And honestly I need to write about it. I need to get back to blogging. It's good for the soul.

It all started a little after Easter. It was a Tuesday. The kids were on spring vacation from school and I was driving home. I was about to be on vacation myself - traveling to see family in NJ and a wedding in MD. I was driving on a back road, by a farm; the day was warm the windows in the van where down. I had reached up to scratch my throat and I felt a lump in my neck. I played with the lump on and off while driving and when I got in the door I was very concerned about it. I told Husband I thought my thyroid was swollen. With everything we had planned for the next few days we felt it would be best if I went to urgent care to have it looked at. Urgent care had taken on a "serious case requiring many sutures" and was not taking anymore patients that evening when I walked in. The next morning RR woke with a fever over 103, then shortly after that Uncle F ended up in the hospital and out travel plans quickly came to a halt, so I made an appointment to see the NP at my primary doctors office.

The NP sent me for blood work and an ultrasound.

My blood work, testing thyroid function came back normal.

When my ultrasound results came back, no one in my primary care office would speak to me about the results. They referred me to an endocrinologist. Originally my appointment was for some time in June, but then I got a call that I couldn't wait that long to been seen and was given a same day appointment. Everything was moving very fast and no one would tell me answers. I was scared. I feared the worst. I was crying. Crying a lot.

The first endo doctor I saw finally gave me my test results. I had a 5cm nodule on my left thyroid. A biopsy would need to be done to see if it was benign or not. The odds were in my favor that it would be benign, 95% of thyroid cysts are.

More ultrasounds followed and the biopsy. Which was terribly painful. During this time we learned that the cyst was multi-nodular, it was a big pocket with lots of small pockets in it. It was officially labeled as a hemorrhagic multinodulous cyst. During the biopsy a good deal of blood was removed from it, but it quickly filled with blood again.

Within a week of the biopsy I was scheduled to meet with surgeon. Regardless of how the biopsy came out, at least half of my thyroid would need to be removed.  It is pushing my esophagus to the right and causing restricted movement in my neck.

When we met with the surgeon he gave us the biopsy results - inconclusive.

Still no answers. Once that part of my thyroid is removed they will test further for cancer. If it comes back as cancerous then I will have to go and get the rest of my thyroid removed. And possibly do a "one and done" radioactive iodine treatment.  Which has no hair loss or other nasty side affects, but would be a permanent end to breastfeeding. This is something I simply cannot comprehend. And just the thought brings tears to my eyes. ERP is no where ready to wean. At nearly 18 months, he isn't even 20 lbs. He wakes multiple times a night to nurse. He's not ready. I'm not ready. But who knows if it will come to that.

We are still waiting.

This whole ordeal started as a big rush.

Now I wait.

Wait for a date for surgery. My surgeon wanted to do it in June. But he is fully booked and can't get me in until late July. But that isn't even the final answer. Next week he'll look to see if anything in his schedule can be moved to have me brought in sooner.

My surgeon says most of his patients go home the same day as the surgery. Some stay over night. One guy went to work the next day, although most do not. He seems very versed in this surgery, having done some 7,000 over his professional life. He has bright white hair and a very faint British accent. He has an excellent bedside manner. He promises me the surgery will hurt less than the biopsy - which left me unable to speak for days and pain if I thought about speaking for the better part of a week.

For now, some days are better than others. Some days I can hardly feel the enlarged thyroid. Other days the pain is so intense, like it's sitting on a nerve - which I've been told is totally possible.

And while I know there are bigger battles in life I could be facing, this one has certainly given me a good scare. Some days the fear is overwhelming. Other days I can't get enough of my kids and other days I just want to lay in bed and wish the pain away.

But I take it one day at a time. For the last few weeks I have been at the mercy of my doctors and their schedules. I welcome getting the date for surgery and for the ability to plan around something. I want to be able to confidently schedule things - at home and at work - and not have to worry about "what if the doctor" calls today.

But most of all I am eager for the results of the biopsy. To know one way or the other for certain. to know if this surgery is the end of this mess, or the middle point. With half a thyroid there is a 70% chance that the remaining half will function as normal. So the surgery really could be the end of this mess... or it could be the half way point...

Only time will tell. And so I wait. One biopsy done. One more to go.

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