The Emotional Side

Last week, at work; I found out I had to go on a business trip. Just one night away.  Just a 6 hour drive away.  No planes, no dancing in front of multiple customers - just one customer.  Me and three of my co-workers, all men.  Driving to upstate New York.

Me a mother.  Away from my 6 month old baby.  Who I am breastfeeding.  36 hours without being able to nurse my baby.

Yes, I cried.  Being away from my baby is the last thing I want.  Not to mention it's the week before his baptism and there is tons of stuff to be done.

But my baby.  I've been away from my older boys before.  I have survived being away from TT, as a nursing mom, on a number of occasions over night.  But never, ever, ever when he was this little.

My baby is still waking multiple times a night to nurse.  Often times after his last nursing session around 5:30am we sleep together.  Him all nestled in my arm.  He like it there.  He is a pocket baby.  Hold him and hold him close.  That's what he likes.

He is also a mama's boy. Sometimes in the middle of the night when Husband is trying to console him he wants nothing but to be held by his mama.  How are they going to make it.  Just fine, Husband assures me.

But I am scared.  And nervous.

I am afraid of my baby developing a bottle preference. What if he doesn't want to nurse when I get home?  What if he is mad at me for going away? What if he isn't mama's boy anymore when I get home? Three boys, I deserve one of them to be a mama's boy.

I am fully ready physically to be away from my baby, my littlest nursling.  I have enough milk in the freezer to last the Zombie Apocalypse. I have a hand pump. I have two double electric pumps (I'll only take the better one). But I am not emotionally ready.

Maybe it's the sleep deprivation talking, but I would rather be in bed with him waking every couple of hours than 300 miles away sleeping soundly.  Assuming that I can sleep.

The business part of the trip is going to be good.  I just know it.  The company is going to be good on the car ride.  The hotel decent and I am sure we'll be fed well.  All of that is going to be good.

Except missing my baby.

10 Step

TT is a creature of habit.  He lives by his little rituals.  And bedtime is no exception.  Personally I blame the "experts" as they say establishing a bedtime routine is suppose to be helpful in getting to bed and staying in bed and sleeping.

First we read a story.

Then he nurses and we sing a song.  Actually, we sing all of the following songs (don't worry they probably take longer to read than to sing) - The Wheels on the Bus (my version), Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, Baa Baa Black Sleep, Friar Jacques, Itsy Bitsy Spider, Rock a Bye Baby, Skidamrinky-dink, and "Colors" (a song by me).

After that he climbs into bed; we were in the rocker for all the reading and singing.

Then comes the 10 Step Kiss process - how did I get myself into this.

At each stage I need to say what number we are at.

1 - cover him with his beige baby blanket with the giraffe design
2 - cover him with his green baby blanket with the monkey design
3 - pull up his sheet
4 - pull up his blanket - have no mind if it's 120F in his room
5 - kiss him on his forehead 5 times
6 - kiss the right cheek
7 - kiss the left check
8 - kiss on the lips making a kissing sound
9 - kiss his glowing seahorse toy
10 -  kiss his glowing glow-worm toy, aka "baby"
and then kiss his stuffed puppy "for good luck".