Today is July 1st.
I have been in denial about July coming for weeks now. At work I have a four-month display calendar. It has a marker so you know what calendar week of the year it is, and it has a red marker so you know exactly what day it is. I haven't moved either into their correct and current position in weeks. Tomorrow when I go in I will have to pull off the previous months and accept the fact that July is here.
I've been dreading July. I haven't been myself lately because of it. I am filled with fear, and loathing, and sadness. I am hoping they pull my number for federal jury duty (I'm on call all summer for it); so I have something else to thing about, something else to do.
I should be turning to my friends and family, but I can't. I know I should be calling my mom; I worry about her. Even through she tells me all the time not to. I am sure we could help each other get through this summer.
My Grandma was born on the 4th of July. We've always celebrated the holiday around her birthday. She would have been 77 this year. September will mark a year since her passing. Last year we made plans with her to take her to dinner the weekend following her birthday. She wanted to go to Cracker Barrel for her chicken and dumplings, with two sides of dumplings. She loved their dumplings.
We didn't make it that weekend. My step-father passed away in the days leading up to that weekend.
July 11, 2011.
It's hard to believe it's been nearly a year. Some days I feel like time has stood still. Like I need to get on with my life; that I shouldn't let two events from last summer hold me back from living.
I am working on that. Taking it one day at a time. I know time heals, but it doesn't erase what has happened. Acceptance. I'm working on that.
So bear with me dear reader as we make our way though July. I will do my best not to turn this blog into a sniveling, melancholy, self-serving yet depressing ball of mush.
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2 comments:
It is hard. But it might help to rely on friends and family. You know, dear girl, that you can call me any time you want. Love you!!
Or her sweet good natured Mom. (boy am i full of it) Katie, do not be so sad,Grams passing was in the natural order of things,not like losing your little brother or Ronnie. That is how Pat & I see it anyway. Ronnie left me some of the best memories I'll ever have. He also instilled in me a sense of empowerment. I am a smart women & very independent,I always have been. It just took Ronnie to show me that. I will always be able hold my head up wither I succeed or not and know that I gave it my all. And as Ronnie used to tell me, "if you did your best, then that's all you can do". Someday, you & Ray should come for a ride with me and I will show you just a few of the pretty barns your step Dad built and instead of being sad you can smile and say, "a great man loved just the way I am".
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