Letting Go

Last week I posted about getting the Big Boy ready for overnight camp.  I was all about getting him ready and sending him off.  And I was worried about him.  Worried about how he would do, if his first camp experience would be better than my own - and with that worry in mind I signed him up for a "short week".  Normally camp runs Sunday through Saturday night, with a short week ending after lunch on Wednesday.

Now here I sit, about 24 hours before I have to go and pick him up and I wonder what my true motivation behind signing him up for the shorter week.

Was it because I wasn't ready to let him go?

After we dropped him off at camp Husband and I took TT and walked the mall.  With TT secure in the carrier on Husband's back we were able to roam around stores and departments we normally can't; and we got to talking - about letting go.

Having RR go away to overnight camp wasn't just a big step for him, but it was a big step for me as well.  Sure he's gone away on vacation without me before; but that's been with my mom.  I've been able to watch their vacations unfold on Facebook; and I know my mom will take excellent care of him.  She won't let him each too much junk food, or skip brushing his teeth, or act rude.  I know she would take care of him, just as I would.  But with him being away at camp he's not a phone call away from me (sure the camp can call me, but I can't call him), I can't see how his days are going.

It's like the first time I left him at daycare, he was away from me all day.

Or the first time he rode the school bus, all by himself and I stood on the curb.

It's about letting go.  For me this, overnight camp, is a big step.

When I dropped him off I was jealous (as was Husband).  The camp was amazingly beautiful, nestled into the mountain side besides a deep and wide lake.  The beauty of nature reflecting in the waters, with the tall pine trees gently blowing in the warm summer wind.  The grounds were painstakingly manicured, with the grass "just the right height" in the archery range, and wooden signs pointing out the direction to the dining hall and the nurses station.

Then I felt guilty.  Guilty that I was afraid of letting go and letting him spend an entire week in such a majestic surrounding   Guilty of not wanting to let go and realize he would be OK without me.  Mom guilt.  The worst.  These last eight and a half years have gone by fast and to think when TT is this age the Big Boy will be nearly graduating from high school.

Don't blink.